We are the parents, we should know best – or do we? When it comes to adolescent romance, it can be hard for parents not to interfere. We are understandably protective of our children’s feelings – no matter how old they are. We want to make sure that they end up with someone fabulous. We want to stop them from getting hurt and making bad decisions. But not only is it unrealistic to think that we can shield them from any pain, we may actually be causing some of that pain if we meddle in their relationships.

Adolescence is a time of insecurity and self-doubt. Rejection is keenly felt and acceptance and popularity are so important. Our job is to be their greatest fans and their strongest supporters. We may not be the best relationship counsellors. That’s because we take our years of wisdom and experience and try to put their issues through our baggage-laden filters. If we have been cheated on, we risk teaching them that boys or girls can’t be trusted. If we have been crushed by rejection or abandonment, we risk teaching them to take control of things by dumping someone before they get dumped themselves. If we have been blissfully happy in our relationships, we risk teaching them that any conflict should be a deal-breaker.

If your child is happy in a relationship, be happy for them. If your child is having relationship issues, be a non-judgmental sounding board and allow your teenager to come to his or her own conclusions. If you don’t like your adolescent’s boyfriend or girlfriend, try to see more of them. By having them spend time with your family, they might start to grow on you as you get to know them, or your child might come to see what you see.

It’s just as important that we don’t attach too strongly to our teens’ partners because that may make it difficult for everyone if the relationship breaks down. Our children shouldn’t stay in a relationship to keep us happy. And herein lies the tricky path we must negotiate – staying neutral, yet supportive. Unless of course you see anything worrying. If your child is being treated really badly or you are worried about the negative impact the relationship is having on them (they are more withdrawn, losing confidence, or becoming insecure), then gently express your concerns and encourage them to talk about how they’re coping in this relationship. Tell them how much they are loved and how they deserve to be treated. Then sit back and hope that they make a good decision.

To some extent, how well siblings get on with one another is just luck of the draw, but personality traits, level of hardship experienced, age gaps, and the number of children all play a role. All parents dream of creating a family in which their adult children remain close and support each other through life. Sadly, but not surprisingly, sibling rivalry is very common and the competitiveness and resentment can last way into adulthood. Although there is no guaranteed formula for preventing family feuds, there are some ways to promote sibling harmony:

• Give children the chance to sort out their own squabbles. As long as it’s not getting too rough or abusive in any way, kids can be fighting one minute and giggling the next. When we jump in too quickly, we risk dividing them rather than allowing them to come together.
• Try not to reward disloyalty. Call it dobbing or telling tales – but if we act on the word of one child over the other, we reinforce this behaviour and another opportunity for them to sort it out for themselves goes begging. If one child tells you that they have been hurt in some way, encourage them to stand up for themselves. If a child is dobbing on a sibling for some wrong doing, remind them that you’re the parent and they needn’t worry about policing their brother or sister’s behaviour.
• Don’t give one power over the other. Unless there’s a large age gap, giving an older child the responsibility of looking after the younger children can lead to resentment. Instead, it’s good to give them all age-appropriate responsibilities.
• Encourage siblings to advise each other. Family dinners provide the perfect opportunity to workshop various dilemmas. If one child is having problems with a teacher or a friend, encourage the other children to offer their advice on what to do. They often have far better ideas on what works in the classroom or in the playground than we do.
• Be proud when they are united against you. Whenever you hear one child sticking up for another, know that you’re doing a good job. When you hear them say Don’t listen to Mum or Dad – that won’t work, try this …., be pleased. You might still overrule any class action your children attempt to take against you, but at least you know that their relationship with each other is getting stronger and stronger.
• Never divide and conquer. If you complain to one child about another, then you can unconsciously be aligning them to you by making them feel special. Instead, model empathy and compassion by expressing concern about a child who is acting out and vent to your partner or close friends instead.

There’s been a lot of discussion on the dangers of over-praising children and on creating adults with a sense of entitlement. But just because we shouldn’t tell our children that they are simply brilliant at everything they do doesn’t mean that we can’t support their dreams. Perhaps they want to represent their country in some way or maybe they want to be the Prime Minister or a Nobel Prize winning scientist. Younger kids dream of being in the police force or on stage. Whatever their dream, what’s the best way to support them?

For really young children, it’s easy to respond with something like: Wow – a fireman, that would be great or I can see you in green and gold. Parents know that little kids change their mind from week to week, so support is often in the simple form of an encouraging smile.

When they are in Primary School, their dreams can stay fixed for a period. They can be really focused on the idea of being a ballet dancer or a Hollywood star. We need to resist the urge to warn them that stardom is not all it’s cracked up to be or that their genetic makeup may limit their future as a dancer. Instead, talking about their dreams is a wonderful opportunity to bond. Questions such as: Why do you love ballet? What do you think life in Hollywood would be like? Who do you look up to? allow us to get to know our children who are growing up so quickly. At the same time they get the message that we care about them and we love hearing about their dreams.

Adolescence is the time when we want to really start teaching important life lessons. But again, we want to be careful not to crush their dreams and their confidence as a result. When they express that they want to swim in an Olympics or write a prize winning novel, we don’t need to point out how hard those goals are to achieve. If they say they want to be a doctor and their grades don’t seem to be heading in the right direction, it’s tempting to try to manage their expectations. When a teenager chats about what they want to do with their life, we can grab the chance to talk about setting smaller goals on the way to achieving dreams. Asking them what they think they need to do to make their dream a reality is a fabulous way to show support without over-praising.