How often have you asked your partner to stop leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor? Or perhaps it is you who is forever stepping over the offending towel because you simply don’t see it. How many times have you been disappointed because nobody has made a fuss for your birthday? Or maybe you are the one who keeps disappointing your partner.

If you find that you and your partner are having the same arguments over and over again, chances are one or both of you are failing to take responsibility for your own problems. In a nutshell, if something is bothering you, then it’s your problem. It doesn’t mean that it’s your fault or you are the only one who has to fix it. It just means that you are the one who has the incentive to address the issue. If you hate wet towels on the floor, that’s your problem. By all means ask your partner for help with your problem, but don’t expect him or her to care as much about the towels as you do.

Similarly, if you want to celebrate your birthday, then it’s up to you to make suggestions and lead the discussion on what to do each year. Leaving it up to your partner to initiate a celebration will only end in tears if they have never been fussed about anyone’s big day.

Once you have owned your problems, your requests for help come out as far less of an attack:

“Would you mind picking up your wet towel because it really bugs me” sounds a lot better than: “Why can’t you ever pick up your towel? I’m not your slave!”

“Can we have a dinner with friends for my birthday this year because I really feel like celebrating” will get a much better result than: “If you loved me, you would have organised something for me. You know I love birthdays.”

It might sound hard to believe, but if something doesn’t bug your partner, they simply won’t see what needs to be done or remember what’s important to you. If we all own our own problems, we can happily delegate and make suggestions without resentment.

How often have you and a partner argued over what was said or done? Often, issues go unresolved because so much time, energy and angst is spent arguing over the minor details. Couples come to counselling wanting to learn skills to resolve recurring problems. They are often surprised to hear me say: Forget the facts. Issues can still be resolved even if you never agree on what was said or done.

Many studies have highlighted the unreliability of eyewitness accounts. Our memories are incredibly vulnerable to the effects of mood, fatigue, and prejudice. Unfortunately, we are not usually aware that our memory of what happened or what was said may not be 100% accurate.

If you are trying to address the issue of one person working long hours, arguing over whether they came home by 8 or 9pm last Wednesday is a waste of time. If you’re upset because you feel like you do more of the housework, debating over who washed the dishes more often in the last month won’t lead to a resolution. And most importantly, if your partner is saying that they feel intimidated, controlled, or neglected, arguing over the minor details of the examples he or she gives you to back up their argument will not help. What matters is that they’re feeling the way they do and you both need to work together to address it.

It can be very difficult to hold your tongue when you believe you are being falsely accused of something. But if you want to get to the bottom of what’s going on, try not to go on the defensive straight away. By all means express your surprise and disbelief, but encourage your partner to explain why they feel the way they do. You may well find that arguments that usually go around and around in circles before someone just gives in, get resolved quite quickly when you forget the “facts.”

Relationships obviously need commitment to survive. It’s commitment that allows us to weather the storms and forgive and forget the mistakes. But when a relationship is unhealthy and dysfunctional, it’s often not commitment that keeps the couple together. Interestingly, it’s love and chemistry that keeps us holding onto something that’s bad for us or it’s fear that prevents us walking away – fear of being on our own.

I am forever hearing stories of women staying in a relationship when it’s so clear the relationship is not going anywhere. Their reasons for hanging onto a bad relationship are usually: But I love him/her; I’ve never known chemistry like I have with this guy/girl; He says he will change/leave his wife/commit to me soon; There’s no one else out there. So they continue to eat the tiny crumbs that are thrown their way – their confidence slowly draining away as a result.

Over and over again, they vow to let the person go, but their resolution only lasts until the next sweet text comes in. And anyone else they meet pails in comparison because they just don’t feel the same passion for someone new. Any contact with the unavailable person feels like a drug – a love drug. It feels so good that the need to have more gets stronger and stronger.

Deep down, men and women know when they are in a bad relationship, but they often live in denial. If you are one of the millions of people hanging onto the tiniest threads of a bad relationship, it’s time to let go by:

• Remembering that you need to go through the pain of withdrawal to get to the other side
• Gathering the support of close friends who will allow you to text them instead of the forbidden love
• Realising that your perception of reality is distorted. You will not be able to appreciate someone new until you stop all contact with this “love of your life”.
• Acknowledging that letting go of a bad relationship is a one day at a time process. Every day that you stay away will make you stronger. There will be setbacks and relapses, but giving up any bad habit usually takes a number of attempts.
• Changing his or her name in your phone to “Don’t respond” or something else that helps strengthen will power.
• Knowing that if the relationship is meant to be, it will work out down the track – when he or she is available or has made the changes that they need to have made.
• Facing the fact that if you don’t do it now, you will most likely be in exactly the same position this time next year.

Discovering that there might be fertility issues comes as a huge shock to many couples. That’s because most of us assume that we will be able to have a family when we are ready to do so. Despite hearing the repeated warnings, many couples are delaying the decision about whether or not to try for a baby or for another baby for a variety of reasons. And for some people, they were not in a position to even think about falling pregnant until well into their 30s or early 40s.

Obviously not everyone reacts to the news in the same way. Some become angry at the unjustness of the situation. Others remain optimistic, while some pretend that there is no problem at all. Women tend to want to talk about the issue and men might keep their feelings to themselves. Further problems arise when the two individuals within the couple are not able to support one another. It’s important to allow each other to react to the news and not judge this reaction.

Once you have allowed the news to sink in, it’s time to gather as much information as possible. There are people to see and decisions to be made. Listening to your partner’s views is just as important as airing yours. It’s very common for couples to disagree about what path to take, how long to stay on a course of action, and who to tell. My advice would be to only tell people who you believe will be truly supportive. They may not be your closest friends or family. Whoever you tell, let them know how much you want to discuss the issue and whether you want them to check on your progress through any fertility treatment. Have some prepared answers for the inevitable questions from other friends and relatives about when you are going to start a family.

You or your partner might find it easier to avoid gatherings where there are many young children around, or this may not bother you. The holiday season can be particularly difficult for those struggling with fertility issues.

Trying to conceive a baby can play havoc with your sex life. It’s important that this is acknowledged and tackled in a light-hearted way. Try to remain affectionate and make romantic gestures during this stressful time. Lastly, put aside plenty of time to talk about anything other than fertility. It can be all-consuming, so it’s essential that you try to have some fun and take a break from all the intensity.

If in the end, you are not able to have children, allow yourselves time to grieve but don’t give up on the dream of living a happy life together. Couples counselling can be useful if you or your partner are finding it hard to see a way forward.

We all seem fixated on compromises these days, as if it’s essential that we find some magic middle point to achieve a resolution that is fair. But why does the resolution always have to be fair? Why can’t we just give in sometimes – for the sake of peace and harmony and because we love someone?

In a true compromise both parties are a little bit unhappy about the result. And there are plenty of situations that call for a compromise – taking turns sleeping in when there are young children in the house, one person cooking while the other washes up, and taking turns deciding what to do on a night out.

Then there are the issues for which there can be no compromise – whether or not to try for a family, having another baby, and what country or state to live in at any one time.

But what I’m really interested in are the everyday situations when we shouldn’t be looking for a compromise at all. In the name of love and commitment, we can just do what our partner asks. Yes, I’ll come to your work function. Sure, I’ll come to bed earlier tonight. Of course I will pick you up from the station. You don’t need to make sure that your partner does something in return in order for you to agree. It doesn’t have to be fair. It should all even out in the end. In a long term relationship, there will be times when one person has greater needs than the other or when one person seems to be calling the shots. But over time, the pendulum usually swings and the giver becomes the receiver.

So if you find that you and your partner are forever in search of a compromise to every situation, stop and think about whether life would be a lot smoother if you both decided to just give for the sake of giving.