I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions because they are often based on wishful thinking. The most common pledges are to lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, or save money. The goals are rarely achieved because there is no plan, just a wish.

If you want to lose weight, you need to set realistic goals and work out the steps needed to achieve these goals such as eating less, exercising more, and finding healthy ways to deal with stress and emotional pain. Giving up smoking, getting fit or saving money also requires planning and commitment.

I’m not against the idea of regularly setting goals. In fact, I think that taking the time to focus on what you’d like to achieve over the coming year is a good idea. But try not to set yourself up to fail. You are more likely to achieve that goal of spending more time with the kids if you define just how you’re going to do it.

And while I’m on the subject of goal setting, try not to become too goal oriented. Always setting your sights firmly on the future can interfere with your ability to enjoy today. If you are always working towards some goal or another, then you might start feeling as if the goalposts are forever moving. There has to be a balance between having a few realistic goals and appreciating what you have right now.

So next to every realistic goal you set, make a list of three things for which you are grateful. That way, rather than making a wish list, you will be focusing on what’s really important.

At this time every year, psychologists across the western world are inundated with calls for help. There are plenty of people who are buckling under the financial and emotional stress of getting ready for Christmas with extended family. But even more common and more worrying are the people who truly dread this time of year.

For those who are on their own and those who are grieving, the holidays can be a gut-wrenching time. For those who have been through a difficult break-up and have to pretend to be happy for the children’s sake, it can all be too much. And for those people, who are longing for a partner and a family, having to endure celebrations with other people’s partners and children is torture every year.

We as a community can do a lot to support those who are struggling this Christmas. We can be firstly aware how hard it is for some. We can be careful not to complain about how stressful it is cooking for 15 people on Christmas Day, when others are wishing they had 15 people to cook for or the money to do it.

We can spend time with those in need – the elderly widow down the road, the single dad in the unit below, the friend dealing with fertility issues who can’t face another Christmas with her nieces and nephews. Humans thrive on connecting with other humans. That’s why loneliness is so distressing and one trigger for the spike in suicides over Christmas and New Year. It doesn’t take much effort to show compassion to others and doing so may well be the greatest gift you can give this Christmas.

Most people think of an extravert as being the life of the party and the introvert as the quiet book worm. These descriptions are far too simplistic and don’t really help us to understand ourselves. Here’s how I like to think about extraversion and introversion:

Extraverts turn to the outside world to get their reality check and introverts turn inwards. Extraverts need to know what the world thinks of them whereas introverts rely on the standards they set themselves. Here’s a good example. When an extravert writes an essay, he or she has no idea how good the essay is until the mark comes back. If the mark is high, they believe the essay must be good. If the mark is low, the essay must have been bad. When an introvert writes an essay, he or she has a fair idea about how good it is. If the introvert believes the essay is good but they receive a low mark, then they will probably think that the marker got it wrong. And if the introvert thought the essay wasn’t their best work and they get a great mark, then they will probably still think the marker got it wrong or everyone else must have written appalling essays.

Let’s look at how introverts and extraverts feel about performing in public. After the extravert has given a speech, he or she will be guided by the audience’s reaction. If the audience was happy and a few people came up and said “well done” then the extravert will believe that they have done a good job. The introvert however will make their own judgment about the performance and if they believe that they spoke badly, they won’t be comforted by a few pats on the back.

There are pros and cons to being either one. So why is it interesting to work out if you’re an extravert or an introvert? Because sometimes it’s helpful to pretend that you’re the opposite personality type. If you’re an introvert and you are being really hard on yourself about how you performed, try to think how an extravert would handle it. An extravert would check with a few people and if they said it’s all okay, then they would move on. And if you’re an extravert who is not coping with a lack of feedback at work, try to think how an introvert would handle that situation. An introvert would set their own standards and give themselves feedback.

The idea is not to try to change your personality. But it’s always good to gain further insight in our thought patterns and behaviour so that we can develop strategies to use if we are struggling.

Ask many people and they will tell you that the one thing they can’t tolerate is lying – not in their partner, not in their friends and not in their children. But what kind of world would it be if no one ever lied? The confidence of our children would be shattered. Friendships would be destroyed. Relationships would be put in jeopardy. Obviously it would be just as intolerable if all we ever did were to lie.

Many people disagree with me on this, but I believe that there are times when telling a white lie is kinder than telling the truth. Telling a friend that you love her new house is kinder than admitting you don’t. Raving about your child’s painting is kinder than admitting you didn’t recognise yourself in amongst all that colour. Complimenting your partner’s delivery of his mother’s eulogy is far kinder than admitting that no one could hear him in the church.

And what about the trickier situations? Admitting that you have a passing crush on a workmate could have a devastating effect on your relationship with your partner. Surely it’s better to keep that piece of truth to yourself (and not act on that crush). Telling a friend that you can’t stand their partner may affect your friendship. Surely it’s better to deny not liking him or her and just limit the contact you have with them as a couple to protect your friendship.

My rule of thumb is this. A white lie is a lie that if your friend, partner, parent or child found out about, they would understand why you told it. They would be able to see that you were trying to protect their feelings and protect your relationship with them. A dangerous lie is one we tell to protect ourselves, to stop anyone thinking badly of us. And if our friend, partner, parent or child found out that we had told such a lie, they would not understand. They would feel hurt and betrayed.

Most of us fear something. You might be afraid of heights or spiders or of speaking in public. We live with many of our fears because we don’t have to face them every day. We can go for weeks or months without coming across a spider or having to climb a ladder or give a presentation. But there is a common fear that can really interfere with day-to-day life and that’s a fear of negative evaluation.

In a nutshell, fear of negative evaluation (or FNE) is a fear of criticism and an inability to cope with anyone thinking badly of you. You might know on one level that it’s not possible for everyone to like you, but you might still find it really hard to cope with not being invited to a party or being ignored by an acquaintance.

In its extreme form, fearing negative evaluation can prevent a person from being assertive, so they tend to be treated badly. It can cause someone to miss out on opportunities because they don’t want to speak up or stand out. It can make them seem really intense because they are forever checking that they haven’t offended anyone. It can even cause people to agree to things that make them feel really uncomfortable or unsafe such as taking drugs or having sex.

To overcome a fear of negative evaluation takes work. You need to slowly learn how to challenge some of the unhelpful thoughts that the fear generates. It’s important to remind yourself that just as you don’t like everyone, everyone will not like you. Learning to stand up for yourself will earn you respect and will increase your confidence. Resisting the urge to call a friend to check that you haven’t upset them in any way will make you feel better in the long run. And to reduce the chance of your children having a fear of negative evaluation, make sure you drum it into them that while it’s important that they treat others well,  they still won’t be liked by absolutely everyone.

We can all relate to the excitement of choosing a perfect gift for someone special. Nothing beats that feeling when the gift hits the spot and is received with enthusiasm and gratitude. Shouting a friend dinner feels good. Giving to charity feels wonderful. And it feels wrong not to compliment the creator of a fabulous meal or an amazing performance. So far, so good.

But let me take this whole idea of giving a little bit further. It’s just as important to learn how to receive. Think about it. How annoying is it when a friend always insists on paying for your coffee? How frustrating is it when a friend refuses to accept a compliment and raves about your outfit instead? How disappointing is it when a family member always exchanges every gift they receive? If you can’t accept a compliment, gift, or an offer to pay, then you are taking away the other person’s pleasure in giving. I should know. I lost a wonderful friend when I failed to graciously accept a generous gift.

So let people give to you. Let them help you. Let them compliment you. And remember that one of the greatest gifts of all is the gift of receiving.

How often do you find yourself thinking: That’s not fair? Without even knowing it, you could be holding a false belief in a fair and just world. Thinking this way can be a real burden to carry through life. It can increase your stress level, decrease your tolerance of other people, affect your relationships, and lower your ability to cope with tough times.

Take this quick quiz to see if you have what we call a Just World Belief:

1. Do you get overly irritated if you see people doing the wrong thing eg driving badly or illegally parking?
2. Are you always the first neighbour to complain if the noise from a party down the street continues past a certain hour?
3. Are you often complaining about things being unfair?
4. Do you get annoyed when good things happen to bad people?
5. Do you find it hard to cope when your children are falsely accused of something, no matter how small?
6. Do you contact the school every time something happens to your child, no matter how minor it is?
7. Are you a stickler for the rules?
8. Have you been accused of being a black and white thinker?
9. Does your partner often tell you to calm down or chill out about things?
10. Did your parents always insist on making everything fair?

Obviously it would be wonderful if everything that happened in life were fair and just. But it’s just not realistic to think that way. You only have to look at the evening news to see the terrible misfortune that befalls some good and honest people. It’s time to drop the protest banner and lower your expectations of society. Try to accept that people make mistakes and not everything is black and white. It might sound strange, but accepting the fact that life is not fair will actually make you happier.

Finally, try to teach your children that life isn’t always fair. It will certainly make their life a lot easier.