One of the most common problems I see is also the most misunderstood – having a fear of failure. You’d think that anyone who was frightened of failure would avoid it at all costs. But no – people who have a fear of failure set themselves up to fail. Why? Because if they orchestrate the failure, they believe that they determined the outcome. They stay in control. One of the most severe cases was an athlete who would burn the soles of her feet with a cigarette. She wouldn’t tell anyone. But she knew that if she didn’t win, it was because she had burnt feet. To her, it was better than trying her hardest and not winning.

Those with a fear of failure:

• would rather not try, than try and fail
• will put things off until the last minute (procrastinate), because that gives them a good excuse if they fail
• will run late to meetings or gatherings, because then the focus will be on the fact that they were late, not on how they performed
• often consider themselves to be “big picture people” so they can start a project, but not have responsibility for finishing it
• are often accused of never finishing anything they start
• pride themselves on being perfectionistic, not realising that perfectionism is a condition that needs to be treated and eradicated
• will aim for 100%, knowing that they won’t get there because if they set a realistic goal of 70% and don’t achieve it, that would be unbearable

Recognise yourself or someone close to you? Here’s what to do about it

1. Be aware of the problem
2. Consider where it came from – parents with high expectations? early success in life?
3. Try to stop procrastinating
4. Set realistic goals
5. Reward yourself when realistic goals are met

Sometimes it can feel as if we have no control over our lives. Bad things happen to good people. Most of us don’t like feeling out of control, so we do all that we can to avoid that feeling. Eating disorders, postnatal depression, and anxiety disorders all have an element of wanting to remain in control. The trouble is, we can’t completely control what happens to us, or more frighteningly, to our children. But that doesn’t stop our attempts to find the magic formula.

When a friend’s partner suddenly leaves, we want to believe that there was a good reason for them leaving. We are more comfortable with the idea that our good friend did something wrong than we are with the notion that their partner just fell out of love. Why? Because if our friend’s partner left impulsively, that might mean that our own partner might also leave.

When a young child is seriously ill or injured, we want to believe that the parents could have prevented it. Not because we want those parents to be punished or even to feel guilty, but because we cannot live with the idea that our child might meet the same fate.

We want life to make sense. We want to remain in control. But by searching for guarantees, we fail to lend support to those who are struggling and we fail to appreciate what we have today. There are no guarantees. We just need to cherish what we have, do all that we can to protect our loved ones, and then cross our fingers.