Legally speaking, guilt refers to the fact of having committed an offense or a crime. Psychologically, it can also refer to the feeling of having done something wrong, whether real or imagined. For many people, feeling guilty is a default state because they believe deep down that they are bad. It is this destructive level of guilt that I want to examine because constantly feeling guilty is paralysing.

Many mums can relate to the idea of mother guilt – that pervasive feeling that they are not doing a good enough job of parenting. Mother guilt can cripple confidence. Sadly, one strategy used to break the paralysis that follows mother guilt is criticising other mums – we judge the way other mums mother in an attempt to justify our own choices. Mother guilt can also lead to indulging our kids, in an attempt to make up for the fact that we have never done canteen or couldn’t get to a swimming carnival or dance concert.

And of course it’s not just mothers who feel guilt. Children of elderly parents don’t ever feel like they do enough, especially if they live some distance away. Friends of someone who is seriously ill or grieving can feel guilty for staying away. We can feel guilty for not sending Christmas cards, guilty for eating and drinking too much or for not doing any exercise. And the list goes on and on.

The trouble is, feeling guilty is not a strategy. It won’t change anything. Guilt won’t make you pick up the phone to a grieving friend. It won’t get you on the treadmill or stop you drinking a bottle of wine. In fact, guilt is not only paralysing, it can cause you to be even more self-destructive because what do we do when we are feeling guilty? We drink, eat, smoke, or shop.

When we make mistakes or when we’re aware of doing the wrong thing, it’s far healthier for remorse to kick in. Remorse is not paralysing. Remorse allows us to understand what we’ve done or not done. It often triggers an apology or at the very least an explanation. Most importantly, feeling remorseful allows us to try new strategies. Being aware that we are not being a good friend, son or daughter, parent or partner should lead to a commitment to try harder – to make that phonecall, visit that loved one, or hug our child. Having the insight to know that you have not been leading a very healthy lifestyle should lead to a decision to go for a walk and cut down on the junk food.

Instead of hiding behind guilt, forgive yourself and do whatever it takes to be the best person you can be.

One of the most powerful life skills we can learn is the art of acceptance. When we fail to accept what happens in life, we risk constantly feeling resentful or like a victim. Obviously it takes time to get to a point of acceptance after we have been hurt or disappointed, but it’s helpful to have it as a goal. Let’s look at some typical scenarios that require acceptance in order to feel at peace with what’s happening:

The world is not fair or just – bad things happen to good people, good things happen to not so good people, others don’t think and act the way you do, and your efforts to do the very best you can in life may not always pay off. Accepting the unjustness in the world provides incredible relief and teaching your children that life is not always fair will save them some frustration and resentment down the track.

Your partner has his or her faults – they may not be obvious in the bubble of new love, but 6 months down the track, the faults should start to appear and 10 years down the track, they are blindingly obvious. Over time, some of these faults might weaken as a result of your good influence, but others will be there forever. Some of these faults are the flipside of what you were attracted to in the first place (someone who was calm and laid back is later accused of being lazy and amotivated, someone who was driven and ambitious is later resented for being a workaholic). Learning to accept your partner’s faults is liberating.

You don’t want to be in a relationship if your partner doesn’t want or love you – over time, you need to let the relationship go. When our heart is broken, we often do everything we can to convince that other person to reconsider. We offer to walk over hot coals, be someone we’re not, and pass any test that is given to us. But if the person you love is not able to give you the love and commitment you need, you will only be delaying the inevitable and that’s life without that person. Accepting that a relationship has ended is incredibly difficult but life on the other side is better than the limbo of hanging on.

Acceptance is also helpful if you suffer chronic pain or disease, have a child with special needs, or struggle with depression or anxiety. Remember that acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. It just enables you to do what you need to do to manage the issue and accept when you can’t do anything to change the facts.

Yesterday I heard a radio host announce that he had received an email full of praise. He was obviously pleased, but genuinely shocked to have received anything but criticism. The announcer’s comments reminded me of a client I saw recently who said that she did not want to become one of those women who criticise other women. Speaking occasionally on TV and radio has certainly drawn a lot of criticism my way over the years – most of it no doubt deserved. We seem to be intent on praising our children. But why do we find it easier to criticise other adults than it is to praise them?

How critical you are depends of 4 factors:

1. How you were raised – If you were brought up in a family that was highly critical of other people, then you are likely to continue the tradition. Even if your parents were full of praise for you, but you regularly heard them abuse other drivers or criticise the way your friends were brought up, you may well have taken on the same habit.

2. How truly confident you are – Ever notice how confident people don’t try too hard to convince you that you are wrong? They don’t have to give an opinion on everything and are often quiet achievers. I’m not talking about arrogance – which is false confidence. I’m referring to that rare person who doesn’t need other people to agree with them or even like them because they are not insecure and they don’t fear negative evaluation.

3. How mindful you are – Mindfulness is that wonderful ability to focus on the here and now in a non-judgmental way. Learning this fabulous skill can change your life. We can all practice mindfully walking, eating, and driving by simply observing what we can see, hear, smell, think and feel. A scientist observes and analyses data. They don’t make judgments. They present evidence and suggest reasons for why things happen as they do. To be mindful, we need to pretend we are scientists in an experiment called life.

4. How empathic you are – Empathy means entering into the spirit of another person. To be empathic, you need to imagine what it’s like for the other person given their situation and their personality. When we take ourselves out of the equation, we stop being critical and we start feeling understanding and compassion for other people.

So how critical are you? If you want to be less judgmental, think about learning the art of mindfulness and practice being empathic and your own confidence levels may very well rise as a result.

The evidence is clear – getting enough sleep is essential for good mental and physical health. A lack of sleep can cause mood disturbance, weight gain, increases in blood pressure, memory and concentration difficulties, and irritability. But worrying about sleep increases the chance of insomnia. So what are the keys to getting a good night’s sleep?

Let’s start with the obvious:

• Don’t drink coffee or caffeinated drinks after mid-afternoon
• Don’t drink too much alcohol
• Don’t go to bed on a full stomach
• Don’t exercise at night

Now let’s consider the not so obvious. All parents of young children know how important it is to establish a nightly routine. Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers are fed and bathed around the same time, before their teeth are brushed and books are read. When the routine is messed up, parents expect a bad night. Teenagers go through that stage of wanting to stay up late and sleep in til noon. But come adulthood, we need to return to the idea of establishing a nightly routine.

Our mind needs to be given the signal to wind down. We can do this by eating and bathing at around the same time each night, reading or watching TV or listening to music, before brushing our teeth and going to bed. But life would be very dull if all we did was eat, watch TV and then go to bed by 10pm every night. So when we have had a night out, or we have worked late, or have stayed up to watch something on TV, it’s important to go back to the routine. If you come home late, take an extra 30 mins to read, watch TV or listen to music before brushing your teeth and going to bed. If you are drinking a herbal tea most nights, have one every night. In other words, the timing is irrelevant, the routine is what’s important.

Surprisingly, the time you set your alarm to wake up is more significant than the time you go to bed. Anchoring your wake-up time ensures a better night’s sleep. By getting up every morning (7 days a week) at the same time, whether that’s 5am, 6am, or 7am etc, you establish a pattern that makes it easier for the mind and body to feel ready to sleep at night. If you get up at 6am some mornings for work, but sleep in til 7 or 8 after a late night during the week and then try to sleep in til 10 on the weekends, your ability to sleep well will be affected. That’s why shift work is so tough. Dozing on and off til 10-11am on the weekends will usually make you feel worse because most of the dozing time will be spent in REM or dream sleep which is not restful sleep. Far better to wake up and enjoy not having to rush off anywhere. Getting up to exercise or lying in bed having a cup of tea, reading the paper, or having sex are far better for your sleep routine than sleeping in.

I have a favourite shop near my office from where I buy nearly all my clothes. Today when I walked past, I realised that it’s been quite a while since I’ve been in. I asked myself why and a voice in my head said: Because the retail industry is suffering. People aren’t spending money on clothes. Although I hadn’t realised it, I had changed my spending behaviour because I had heard that others had.

My financial situation has not changed a lot lately. There is no other reason to alter my spending habits, but for the effect of herd mentality. I have even flirted with the idea of online shopping because I have read that everyone’s doing it. What hit me today was the thought that I don’t want my favourite clothes shop to close down. I love the personal service I get. I don’t like the idea of online shopping because I like to try before I buy. I want to make my own decisions based on my family’s circumstances, not the media’s reporting on what everyone else is doing.

It’s easy to spot herd mentality everywhere. If someone else crosses against the walk signal, we are more likely to follow. If a cafe is crowded, we assume it’s good. If we hear that house prices are dropping, we will lower our expectations if we buy or sell. More worryingly, if we see someone in trouble, we might be reluctant to help if everyone else is walking past. There was a frightening case in Sydney recently where a young woman was being attacked in a carpark. Despite her calls for help, a number of passers by did just that – they passed by. My guess is that if witnesses see other people failing to help, they assume that that the assault must be some kind of trap or a set-up. They followed the herd and allowed this woman to be assaulted.

So the next time I am aware that I am responding to herd mentality, I’m going to try to make my own decision based on my own situation and my own values.