We all aim to be helpful, compassionate people, but there are times when we need to say No. Some people seem to have no problem saying No. As I mentioned a few weeks back, often our first answer can be No – when it comes to our partners anyway. But when you’re unable to help a friend or you simply don’t have the time to help a colleague, how can you say No without damaging the relationship?

It’s important to know that sometimes the best way to maintain relationships is to be assertive. Remember that being assertive means telling the truth in an appropriate manner. It doesn’t mean that you have to be aggressive. If you’re never assertive, it’s easy for resentment to build up and that’s far more damaging to a relationship than occasionally saying No.

The trick to assertiveness is not being defensive. By offering up a thousand reasons for saying No, you weaken your position. It might seem kinder to justify your answer, but it’s easy to end up tongue-tied. Think of a salesperson coming to the door. If you offer a reason for why you don’t want to buy the product, they are trained to give a come back. No thanks, I have plenty of brooms – But not this broom. Sorry, but it’s a bad time – When’s a good time? I’m about to go out – This won’t take a minute. Then you have to resort to being rude to get rid of them. Whereas, if you politely say: I’m sorry, but I’m not interested – end of story.

The same goes for being assertive with a friend, neighbour or colleague. These responses are polite, assertive and not defensive: Sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t help you. Sorry, but that won’t work for me. I’d love to help, but I can’t. Most people will find it difficult to push you for a reason, but if they do, just apologise again for not being able to help.

Jillian Ball and Susan Tanner set out the Bill of Assertive Rights in their excellent book: Beating the Blues. One of the assertive rights is: I have the right to say No without offering an explanation. Others have the right to say No without offering an explanation. Being assertive is one way to boost confidence and ward off minor depression and anxiety.

So for the sake of your mental health and your relationships, be compassionate and helpful, but if you are feeling resentful and taken advantage of, perhaps it’s time to say No every now and again.

The Cancer Council NSW released the results of a study last week that found that cancer patients were more likely to blame external factors such as stress or genetics for their disease than internal factors such as smoking or a lack of exercise. It was reported that 70% of lung cancers and 20% of all cancers are linked to smoking, yet only 40% of the lung cancer patients surveyed considered smoking to be linked to their disease.

Obviously, there are many cases of non-smokers battling lung cancer, but why are people more comfortable blaming factors beyond their control for a disease? Probably because it’s hard enough coping with a cancer diagnosis without feeling regret for poor lifestyle choices. The tendency to blame external factors for things that go wrong is part of what we call attribution theory. The other part is attributing success to internal factors that may in part be due to luck.

False or questionable attributions are made by most of us at different times in our lives. If our babies are good sleepers, we are happy to take the credit for getting them into a good routine from day 1. If they are bad sleepers, we are unlucky – it’s not our fault. But if someone else’s baby is a poor sleeper, we consider the possibility that the parents are to blame.

False attribution plays a big role in anxiety. Having a panic attack can lead to avoidance if a person falsely attributes the anxiety to the situation in which the panic attack occurred eg the supermarket or a bridge or an elevator. Continued avoidance of situations can lead to agoraphobia, which is a fear of having a panic attack in a situation that is perceived to be dangerous.

False attributions can cause people to not take responsibility for their own actions. Instead of apologising or accepting some of the blame for an argument or a relationship breakdown, they go through life criticising others and feeling hard done by and resentful. At the very least, false attributions can cause a failure to support friends and family who are going through a tough time. This happens when we prefer to blame a friend for their partner’s infidelity, rather than entertaining the thought that it could happen to us. In fact it happens nearly every time we judge others.

The younger sibling of anger can be just as mysterious, just as damaging to relationships, and sometimes harder to shake than its big brother. How often have you woken up feeling irritable for no reason? Anything can set you off when you’re in a bad mood.

There are many possible causes of irritability – stress, fatigue, hormones, pain, or boredom. More serious causes include depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, chronic pain, or drug or alcohol withdrawal. Irritability can also be a side effect of some medications.

Everyone is irritable sometimes, but if you are often reacting with very little cause and your ability to function at home or at work is decreasing, it might be time to seek medical advice. Once you have been cleared of the more serious causes of irritability, try these strategies:

1. Ride through a bad mood – Sometimes when you accept that you’re in a bad mood, it doesn’t last as long. Whereas looking around for who or what to blame can prolong the mood.
2. Warn those around you – It’s helpful to everyone if you warn friends or family members that you are feeling out of sorts. They can hopefully show you some empathy and at least they won’t take your irritability personally.
3. Don’t make important decisions when irritable – Beware of state dependent decision making. That’s when we quit a job or threaten to end a relationship when we’re feeling really irritable only to regret it later.
4. Nurture yourself – If you’re feeling terrible, try not to make it worse by binge eating or drinking. Instead, run a bath, sit by the beach, get a massage, or go for a walk.
5.  Look for a pattern – By keeping a diary for a month or so, you might notice that you’re more irritable on Mondays, or after a big night out, or when you haven’t been exercising. If you notice a pattern, look for ways to break the cycle by planning something pleasant on Monday nights or avoiding certain situations when you’re over-tired.

And finally, if you are living with an irritable partner, try not to take their mood personally. Instead, gently point out that you’re concerned about them and suggest they read Jo Lamble’s blog 🙂

One of the biggest problems in western society is loneliness. It’s tragic to think of people suffering such sadness. The fear of being alone causes many people to stay in dysfunctional relationships and toxic friendships. This despite knowing that it’s possible to feel very alone in an unhappy marriage.When we suffer loneliness, it is easy to doubt our self worth and feel full of regrets.

There are two points to consider when thinking about loneliness. First, how can we deal with our own loneliness and second, how can we help others feel less lonely?

Some people need others around them all the time. If they have to spend one night alone, they feel lonely. Obviously, the answer here would be to learn to self-soothe the anxiety they must feel if they’re on their own. For those who are staying in a dysfunctional relationship for fear of being alone, some time learning to survive as a single person is probably just what’s in order.

Loneliness can be a sign that something much deeper is going on. Depression can often create a sense of loneliness, especially since social withdrawal is one of the most common symptoms. Loneliness can also be caused by the sense of abandonment that can follow neglect or abuse as a child. If you are often feeling lonely, despite having friends or family around, it might be worth exploring the cause in counselling.

By focusing on how to help others deal with loneliness, we can also help ourselves. A greater sense of well-being is experienced when we feel connected to other people. On the surface, we appear to crave success, but deep down, most of us just want to feel worthwhile. Why not take the time to talk to an elderly neighbour or invite the single people in your block over for a drink? Make a point of smiling and saying hello to a passer-by. Stop and have a chat to that acquaintance who always appears to be on their own. If we all aimed to create a greater sense of community, there would be less loneliness in the world.

Although we need to learn to sit with occasional feelings of loneliness, no one should have to feel alone all the time.

All too often we wait until the motivation hits us before we act. We try to summon up the urge to exercise or clean the house or do our tax. If we have a really strong incentive, we are more likely to feel motivated. Having to pay a fine if we don’t lodge our tax return is a good incentive and having the in-laws over for dinner will generally trigger a cleaning frenzy. But generally speaking, motivation follows action, not the other way around.

Think back to a time when you spilled some milk or orange juice in the fridge. You are forced to clean it up and when you are half way through wiping up the mess, you feel inspired to clean out the whole fridge. Or maybe you can relate to the idea of feeling really committed to exercise when you are halfway through a workout. Most of us feel motivated to complete our income tax once we get started. And the principle can even work with sex. It’s amazing how much more in the mood for sex you can feel once you are half way through the act!

Monday always seems to be the magic day. On Monday I will start my health kick. I will cut down my drinking – on Monday. And then Monday comes, and the motivation has disappeared. The motivation to lead a healthier lifestyle will be there once you have started exercising and have had a few alcohol free days.

Realistic goals, incentives and rewards are helpful, but they will only work their magic once you have started to act.