I can’t think of a more powerful statement. The idea that nothing is permanent can provide relief if we are in physical or emotional pain. And even if we have to accept that we cannot hold onto the good feelings, it’s liberating to know that our suffering will also pass.

We use all kinds of techniques to avoid feeling emotional pain. We can abuse alcohol or drugs. We can keep really busy. We can create dramas as a distraction. But how good does it feel to have a good cry? To release all that emotion. Every time we allow ourselves to truly experience suffering, we are processing the pain. By that I mean that we are moving through it and we are on our way to letting it go because it too shall pass.

People stay in really unhealthy relationships because they don’t want to experience loneliness. Others immerse themselves in work to avoid the pain of grief, only to find that it comes flooding back in spare moments. Childhood traumas can feel like they’re safely locked away, when they really are affecting a survivor’s life every day. Suppressing feelings of  grief or anger or hurt or abandonment doesn’t stop the pain, whereas processing the emotion by thinking and feeling your way through it allows us to let it go.

We all do it at some point in our lives – we sabotage ourselves. I remember falling to the ground on the rare occasions I got the ball in backyard games of footy with my brothers – better to fall than be tackled. It’s a defence strategy to give up before being beaten. Subconsciously, we feel more in control if we self-sabotage rather than fail at something.

But the strategy can be very problematic. Look at these common examples of self-sabotaging:

• Threatening to end a relationship in order to gain reassurance that you are loved
• Leaving an assignment until the last minute to give yourself a reason to fail
• Staying up really late before a big race, game, or exam – again to give yourself a reason not to perform well
• Starting a fight with your partner before bed to avoid intimacy
• Having an affair to avoid commitment
• Choosing unavailable people – again to avoid commitment
• Setting unrealistic goals that you know you’ll never reach
• Planning to start a diet every Monday morning & binge eating and drinking all weekend

Recognising ways in which you might be self-sabotaging is a great first step. Learning other strategies to confront your fear of failure, rejection or commitment comes next. Setting realistic goals, confronting issues in your relationship as they arise, and knowing that you’d survive a break-up all help to combat self-sabotaging behaviours.

When does teasing become bullying? Australians are very good at teasing one another – probably because we tend to have a self-deprecating sense of humour. But there is a fine line between gentle teasing and harmful bullying. I listened to my teenage children interacting with family friends recently. I was surprised to hear how much of the banter involved personal put downs: What sort of look are you going for with that outfit? Put on a touch of flab over the holidays did we? Do you learn anything at your school? I asked my children later how they felt about the teasing and they just shrugged it off as being typical of that group of friends. They didn’t like it, but they didn’t take it too personally. They said everyone was a target.

We don’t want our kids to be precious, but we do need to be aware of when they might be taking teasing to heart. Of course siblings tease each other all the time. They find a raw nerve and go for it. Parents aim to teach resilience, but we also need to counteract some of the messages they receive with something more positive: You’re a healthy young man. You have your own sense of style and I respect you for that. I’m proud of the way you can make conversation with others by asking lots of questions.

And it’s not just the children we need to consider. Constantly teasing a partner, friend or extended family member can really damage those relationships. You may not know it, but your attempt at humour might be resulting in a serious dip in confidence in the other person. And it’s passive aggressive to try to disguise an outright criticism with: I’m only teasing.

Perhaps a good rule of thumb is that teasing is okay if it’s not personal. Laughing about a friend’s perm in the 80s; teasing someone for making a rare mistake in the kitchen; giggling over a slip of the tongue – they shouldn’t cause offense or hurt. But teasing someone about their red or extremely curly hair or their weight problem or their lack of education is just bullying in disguise.

I’m all for flexibility and spontaneity, but when it comes to day-to-day time management, I believe in having a timetable. Plans don’t have to be set in concrete, but having a basic template for each day should lead to better time management.

Here are my suggestions for how to reduce stress by being more efficient:

1. Anchor your wake-up time. Waking up at basically the same time every day is good for you. Trying to go to bed at the same time every night is much harder to do and doesn’t seem to have the same benefits as anchoring the wake-up time. Even if you’re not going to work that day, waking up and enjoying a cup of tea in bed or reading the paper from cover to cover is a luxury you can only enjoy if you’re awake.
2. Exercise at the same time most days. Trying to decide each day when you’ll go for a walk or get to the gym is way too difficult. Exercising on an ad hoc basis usually means that you won’t exercise. Knowing that you go for a walk every morning at 6am means that you no longer think about it, you just do it.
3. Break the day down into chunks. Thinking that you have 8 or 10 hours to get everything done seems like a long time. But we all know how quickly time flies. Greater efficiency comes from thinking about your day being a series of periods – like when you were at school. eg before recess, before lunch, before afternoon tea, and before dinner. That way, you have four separate time periods to organise.
4. When are you most efficient? Do you work better in the mornings or after lunch? Know your peak performance times and schedule in the work that requires the greatest focus during these times.
5. Schedule regular breaks. If you know when you will be stopping for lunch or a cup of tea, then you can often increase your focus on the task at hand. Whereas if you simply stop working to grab a coffee, you’ll most probably be procrastinating.
6. Make short to-do lists. Long lists are overwhelming. Not having a list can decrease productivity. A short list of tasks that can be ticked off creates a sense of achievement.
7. Plan relaxation. What is your guilty pleasure? Reading? Watching TV? Surfing the net? We all need something to look forward to and if we know that we will be able to relax after dinner, we can be more efficient leading up to that time.
8. Set times to check messages. We need to have our phones on silent and try not to be so reactive.
9. Challenge perfectionism. Never pride yourself on being a perfectionist. It’s usually a sign of a fear of failure and it can lead to procrastination.
10. Transfer unfinished tasks onto tomorrow’s list. When the clock says it’s time to stop, stop. It’s not procrastination if you make something that you didn’t get done today tomorrow’s priority.

There is a frightening statistic that states that one of the most common triggers of teen suicide is a humiliating experience. All those young lives tragically lost because they did not believe that they could face the world again. We all know what it’s like to feel humiliated and most of us will do all we can to prevent feeling that way. The fear of humiliation can stop us taking informed risks and it can interfere with the grieving process that follows a relationship breakdown. Countless people have told me that after being dumped by a lover, they find the humiliation harder to bear than the loss.

Why do we find humiliation so unbearable? We must know that good friends will love us no matter what. Most of us know that our family loves  us unconditionally. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t worry what others think and we teach our children not to put too much emphasis on the opinions of others. Yet we still fear humiliation.

It’s helpful to consider humiliation as just another emotion – alongside anger, sadness, frustration, and joy. As with any emotion, our bodies experience humiliation as much as our mind. We may blush or shake. We want to escape and feel trapped if we can’t. When we think of humiliation as just another emotion, we can learn to ride through it.

Think back to the last time you badly stubbed your toe. The pain is instant and excruciating. But we cope by hopping around the room swearing under our breath. If anyone comes near us, we beg them to leave us alone. After a minute or two of hopping and swearing, we notice that the intensity of the pain starts to decrease. It eases off and we know that we will survive. That’s when we can tell those around us how badly it hurt before getting on with our day.

Believe it or not, you can adopt the same strategy when dealing with emotional pain. It may take a lot longer than dealing with a stubbed toe, but we can learn to “surf” the humiliation, by feeling it, knowing what caused it, and waiting for it to peak before easing off. We can help our children cope with humiliation by acknowledging it, empathising with them, and reassuring them that it will ease off. Just as we know that there will be many times when we will feel angry and frustrated, we can expect to feel humiliated from time to time. Obviously, it’s important to try very hard not to humiliate others – especially our children, but we also need to be realistic and not make the mistake of avoiding life for fear of humiliation.

This week I received an interesting package in the mail. It was a tiny hand-made material heart. My heart was numbered 99 and attached to it was a message of love and thanks. I was so touched that someone had taken the time to thank me.

I soon discovered that my little heart was part of the Travelling Heart Project www.travellingheartproject.blogspot.com– where people can adopt hearts and send them all over the world to the important people in their life. Looking on the website, I see that hearts have been sent to victims of the Queensland floods and to those who have helped out those affected families and businesses. What a wonderful way to let strangers know that we are thinking of them in hard times or appreciating the work they do.

I have decided to send my heart to Lenka in London who mentored me with such generosity and kindness in my first job as a psychologist . There are so many people who deserve our love and thanks and this is an easy way to express our gratitude. Research  has clearly demonstrated that our level of happiness increases when we feel and show gratitude, so visit www.travellingheartproject.blogspot.com and adopt some hearts today.