Every day clients teach me more and more about how humans think and behave. Yesterday, a lovely woman I see explained why it’s so hard for her to feel grateful and see the positives in life. She told me : I have a lot to be thankful for, but no matter what happens, it will never be as good as I had hoped. For me, the penny dropped as she said those words – How can anyone see the positives if their expectations are always greater than reality?

Clients have been telling me this for years and I have only now truly understood what they were saying.

Of course I love my baby, but motherhood is so much harder than I thought it would be.

I know I have my health and wonderful friends and family, but this is not where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

In other words, it’s very difficult for people to focus on the positives and cope with the negatives before they have accepted reality. Positive psychology examines the benefits of thinking positively and being grateful. But many people find it hard to think positively and be grateful. Perhaps we have been skipping a vital step. We first need to accept that life rarely turns out exactly the way we imagined it would. There will be challenges and there will be pain. No amount of love and hard work will completely protect you from disappointment or heartache.

Once we have accepted that life is a series of wins and losses, successes and failures, pleasure and pain, we can find it easier to celebrate the positives and cope with the negatives. If we go into parenthood or relationships knowing that it won’t be easy, we can enjoy the rewards. If we enter adulthood knowing that life will take us down a series of different paths, we can feel better prepared for challenges and more appreciative of the luck and achievement.

Accepting reality provides a neutral baseline from which we can move up and down depending on what happens to us. If our expectations are too high, the only way to go is down. And if they are too low, we look for the negatives to support our dark view of the world. So in the end, being realistic makes it far easier to be positive and grateful.

Experts tell us that if we get caught in a rip when swimming in the ocean, we should not waste energy trying to swim against it. Instead, we should raise an arm to attract attention, try to stay calm and go with the current until we are out of its pull. Once free of the rip, it’s easier to swim back into shore. Let me use this analogy to address what to do when we’re caught up in an emotional rip.

If we are suddenly thrown into turmoil by circumstance, fighting the emotions can be just as counterproductive and exhausting as swimming against a rip.

Here’s what happened when a client of mine lost her temper with her boss. She’d told him where to stick his job and stormed out of the office. Minutes after that incident, she rang me in a panic. Through hysterical sobs, she explained what she’d done and was wondering where she was going to live now that she would be evicted for not being able to pay the rent after being sacked. Sacked? Evicted? She was whipping herself into a frenzy. Much to her annoyance, I simply kept asking her to focus on her breathing and on her physical symptoms. She wanted to fight me. She wanted me to debate the possibility of getting fired and being evicted. But when she gave in to her emotions and stopped trying to think her way out of her situation while the emotions were still too intense, she began to calm down. As soon as she stopped fighting and stopped trying to solve problems that hadn’t arisen, she was able to slow her breathing and she no longer felt panicky. By allowing the emotions to peak and then start to decrease, she began to see things more clearly. She then decided to go home and email an apology to her boss.

When our emotions are high, we can’t think properly. Our thoughts become irrational and we’re in danger of behaving in a way that could have serious consequences. The decisions we make in a highly emotional state may not be the same decisions we’d make in a calmer state. But it’s impossible to simply calm down. That’s why it’s infuriating when we’re told by another person to calm down or not panic.

Instead, it’s good to recognise that we are caught in an emotional rip and go with the current until the intensity eases off. Then we can find our way back to firmer ground – back to reality and back to safety.

When an individual is unwell, physically or emotionally, one of their greatest fears is that they will become a burden to their friends and family. The idea that others will suffer because of your struggle is overwhelming for a lot of people. It’s one of the reason people seek help from psychologists, so that they are not over-burdening their loved ones. And most tragically, it’s one of the reasons people take their own lives. They simply cannot cope with the idea of bringing others down.

We need to keep addressing the issue of suicide in our society. Yes, we need better mental health services. Yes, we need to publicise the symptoms of depression and the avenues for treatment and support. And we also need to tell the people closest to us that they are not a burden. Anyone who is grieving (and grief is lifelong) knows that they would always prefer to have their loved one alive and be there to support them than to be relieved of that responsibility. Being a carer is one of the hardest things to do in life, but not being a carer after the death of their loved one can be even harder. We need to support the carers so that they don’t burn out (something that needs a lot more attention), AND we need to understand that the burden of caring is one most of us would choose over grief.

If someone you love is struggling with a serious illness, disability or depression, tell them that they are not a burden and tell them often. And if you are the one who is suffering, know that you are loved and that your supporters want you here – no matter what.

Thanks so much to Josie Thomson for coming onto Studio10You this morning to talk about her journey back from cancer with the help of conventional medicine combined with meditation. Your generosity in making your CD – Simple meditation for busy people available to download for free on your website is fabulous.

Anyone interested in learning this valuable life skill can contact Josie directly at www.josiethomson.com.au

I ran into a young man this morning who has recently lost a friend in tragic circumstances. I had heard what had happened, so when I saw him I told him how very sorry I was. He looked incredibly sad and thanked me for my thoughts, but was quick to point out that he wasn’t the person who’d been most affected. There are people who were much closer to him, he told me. The idea being that he shouldn’t be given much sympathy or empathy because there were more deserving people. While it’s a lovely sentiment to remember that others are suffering just as much or more than us, it’s still important to allow ourselves to grieve.

It’s a very common strategy – to remind ourselves that others are worse off and sometimes it even makes us feel a little better. But it’s also healthy to have some temporary self-pity. It’s perfectly understandable if you are disappointed to have missed out on a promotion or upset that you didn’t succeed at an auction for your dream home. Your newly diagnosed illness may not be terminal, but it’s still okay to be distressed or even devastated before you learn to adjust to living with the symptoms. Couples who experience fertility issues after they have already had one child still struggle.

It’s even okay to complain a little about the small things that can upset or irritate us. Yes, we don’t want to sweat the small stuff, but a little sweating before we put things in perspective is perfectly normal.

It’s equally important not to enforce this way of thinking onto another person. It’s not terribly empathic to tell someone that there are others who are facing tougher times. Far better to validate their feelings by saying that you’re sorry to hear about whatever they’re going through.

We are incredibly resilient creatures. We are adjusting to life’s rocky road all the time. We just shouldn’t feel bad if we take a brief detour down an emotional path before rejoining the road to recovery.

On Christmas Day, we will have four extra people around our table. If they didn’t come to us, they would be alone. What’s so lovely is that I didn’t invite them, my daughter did. She wasn’t comfortable knowing that our extended family would be enjoying time together while others were on their own.

A lot of people find the holidays extremely difficult – those who are grieving, those whose families live overseas or interstate, and those who are struggling with depression. It can also be a hard time for couples dealing with fertility issues, those whose relationships have recently ended, and children whose parents are not coping after a split. Many people would prefer to bunker down and wait for the festive season to end. We obviously need to respect people’s wishes to do what’s best for them.

But there are many others who don’t want to impose on anyone else but would jump at the chance to be included – we just have to ask. And then there are those who don’t want to join in a big celebration, but would certainly love some company over this difficult period. Taking an hour to drop by with some Christmas cheer may be the difference between a person feeling totally isolated and invisible to feeling valued. Such a simple gesture can mean the world to someone else. What a fabulous life lesson to give to our children.

As a general rule, whatever we feel like doing is usually the opposite of what we need to be doing for our physical and mental health. When we are lacking energy for example, we often crave sugar. But is that what we actually need? Probably not. We really need some protein, or some exercise, or some sleep!

One of the biggest mistakes we can make is to give in to that desire to withdraw socially. When we’re not feeling confident or we are feeling down, there is often this strong compulsion to hide away at home and see no one. The trouble is, when we avoid socialising, our confidence and mood drops ever further. If we force ourselves to accept that invitation to meet a friend for coffee or have dinner with a mate, we usually come away feeling a bit better.

Exercise is often avoided due to a lack of energy or motivation. But what’s the best way to increase energy and motivation? Exercise.

In fact avoidance nearly always makes things worse. Avoiding ringing that person you think you’ve upset, staying clear of bridges or tunnels for fear of collapse, or ignoring that lump you noticed months ago are all going to potentially cause more problems. Play the opposite game – ring your friend, tackle the smallest bridge you can find, make an appointment with the doctor.

Most of us are great at giving others advice. Notice how many times you’ve advised a friend or family member to do the opposite of what they’re wanting to do. Now it’s time to give yourself that same great advice.