H Hi Jo,
I always enjoy your segment on Sunrise.
My 5yr old daughter got a little mermaid outfit (halter neck shell top with a skirt ththat comes to the knees) and my husband is adamant that by me letting her wear
this dress up outfit without her wearing a t-shirt under it is sending her a message
that you can dress like that when she gets older. My husband is currently in the
Police Force, and it seems to me he’s view on the world seems tainted,
everything has a sinister meaning behind it. Like a 5yr old child playing dress up.
Is there any books or information out there somewhere that says this is normal
behaviour for children to dress up? I’m also really worried what affect my husbands views like this will impact our 5yr old?
I’m really pleased that the issue of the sexualisation of children is being discussed in your house. We need more parents like you and your husband. It’s not surprising that your husband is very wary. He’s probably seen the darker side of life. He is no doubt super-protective because of what he’s seen and heard. From what you’re describing, the Little Mermaid outfit sounds harmless enough – because she’s obviously wanting to play dress-ups which of course is very normal. Perhaps her dad would be comfortable with her wearing the outfit at home, but not in public. I’d encourage you to give your husband plenty of empathy for his concerns, and reassure him that your daughter’s safety and welfare are also your priority. Point out that you don’t agree with the sexualisation of kids, but gently point out that your daughter needs a normal childhood, which includes dressing up. Your husband will probably always be wary because of his profession, so your job is to balance this out with your own views.
I take that as a compliment – ENFJs sound like lovely people. In my practice, I use a fabulous book by Oldman & Morris called The New Personality Self-Portrait. It contains a self-administered test and the answers allow you to construct a personality profile. Mostly, people have a strong personality style and some other styles that also have a big influence on how they think, feel & behave. But whether you use MBTI, Jung’s typology or Oldman & Morris’ classification, I believe that personality types are the result of the combining influences of nature and nurture. Our genes are manipulated by the upbringing and the experiences we have throughout life. It can be useful to understand your own personality style and that of your partner’s in an attempt to develop insight and empathy.
Hi Jo,
I attended your family forum today and just wanted to say how much I enjoyed it! It was very beneficial and I left with a lot of valuable information. You are so educated, calm and a very positive person. With my strong passion for psychology and once I complete my university studies, I strive to be the type of person you are! Again, was a pleasure to be there today.
Melissa.
MMe again. I am happy report that I have now been sober for 70 days! However I had a moment where this was threatened and I could use some advice. I find myself recognising an anomoly in my relationship with my sister. It has made me question my relationship with her during my whole life and in questioning this, I am questioning myself.
My sister is actually my half-sister, Mum married twice. She is 20 years older than me so we have never really lived as siblings. Mum raised her alone until she was 7 (when she married my father) whereas I had both parents for my entire life.
My latest blog entry outlines where I find myself. If you can find time, can you help me towards my next best step?
Once again, can I congratulate you on how well you write & on being sober for 70 days! Your blog is so useful because it outlines the hurdles people face every day when they are trying to change their behaviour.
Obviously I don’t know your sister, but I’m sure she loves you very much. But sometimes close friends and family members have a strange reaction when we change. They get used to us being a certain way – overweight, drinking, or even being depressed. In fact, they come to depend on us being a certain way for the relationship to function. They often don’t know how to act when we change. That’s why they are often the first people to say: “You’ve lost too much weight”, “You’re not the same now you’re not drinking”, “Everyone is worried about you.” It’s hurtful and not supportive, but it comes from a place of uncertainty – Uncertainty about the relationship going forward.
I hope that makes some sense to you. Keep up the amazing work!
Hi jo i just wanted to know are all people really bisexual to some degree or is that
an outdated freudian idea and all it does is address the current misconception that
in order to be bisexual you must be attracted to both sexes equally, whereas it’s
likely that bisexuals are on a continuum and most have a preference for one sex or
the other and the amount of bisexuals who are equally attracted to both sexes are,
not non existent, just rarer
You have pointed out another reason why labels are so unhelpful. It’s far too simplistic to say that bisexuals are those who are equally attracted to both sexes. Nor do I believe that all people are bisexual to some degree. I think you put it very well when you say that bisexuals are on a continuum and most have a preference for one sex or the other.
hiHi Jo,
LLove your work on Sunrise.
I have a question in relation to my now 4 1/2 year old daughter.
Almost everyday since she has been able to talk (15 months) she tells me that she is sad, very sad. She cries a lot for everything (around 4-5 times a day), she is always moody & is an extremelly difficult stubborn child-everything is a fight.
From the day she was born she has been Mary contrary & been really hard to make happy & smile.
Last night during a hissy fit after being asked to have a shower she told me that she didn’t like her face & wanted a different one? Where is this coming from at this age?
Both my husband and I are easy going & quite positive people so we don’t know why she is like this.
My main question is, do we need to worry. I’m worried her brain will be hard wired into depression. Do we need to get help? it is really hard dealing with the misery everyday.
Regards,
alisha
I
T
I can see why you’d be worried. No one likes to hear their child saying that they are sad and that they do not like themselves. I’m also wondering where this is coming from. Perhaps at a young age, she got lots of attention (understandably) for saying that she was sad; which reinforced the behaviour. Maybe she really is very sad and needing of a lot of attention. I’d encourage you to give her the attention she craves, while trying to help her to focus on the positive. What does she like doing? What makes her relax? When you do catch her smiling or relaxing, make lots of comments about how lovely it is to see her “relaxed,” rather than saying you’re pleased to see her happy or not crying.
When she makes a negative comment about herself, give her a bit of empathy by saying that everyone worries about their face or body from time to time, but as long as we are healthy, that’s all that matters. Try not to react too strongly at these types of comments, or once again, she might keep saying things to get a reaction. Try not to ever let her hear you say that you don’t like something about your own face or body.
If everything’s a fight, you might benefit from trying a few new strategies. Look out for Terri Apter’s excellent book called The Confident Child or have a look at Steve Biddulph’s The Secrets of Happy Children. These books suggest ways to phrase things to children in a way that gives them a choice, within reason.
Finally, it might be worth you and your husband having a chat to a child psychologist. You don’t need to take your daughter along just yet. It might just be good for you to get some strategies for the time being. But if the strategies don’t work, then you could take her along for a casual, age appropriate chat.
I want to ask you a favour. I watch you and admire your skills and technique and compassion in your work. And I often read your website.
My name is Lee and I am 47. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 38, which let me tell you was both a relief and burden. I am also an alcoholic having made booze the mainstay of each day for the past 30 years.
However, at 8.30pm, Sunday 6th Feb 2011, I stopped drinking.
I am keeping an online diary of my daily experiences and challenges as I find if I write things down it helps me make sense of my thoughts, and also to gauge my moods and perspective of things.
Now I have always been fond of brainstorming sessions and feedback, and conduct these assessments regularly in my own mind. However, I do realise that given my condition, my perceptions can sometimes be distorted. So I have enlisted a small group of people I trust to support me in my quest for a better life.
The thing is all of these people have an emotional investment in my life…I would like an objective view from someone who is not enslaved by their own demons and emotional ties to me.
The favour I am asking is…could you please read my blog and tell me if I am heading in the right direction? I mean I am not doubting myself and my goals…I am just looking for reassurance.
I have had a good look at your blog & am inspired by your honesty & strength. You obviously have incredible insight as your expectations are realistic – knowing that there will be good days and tough days. I particularly love your observations of how those around you are coping with your sobriety. I collect “clangers” = those comments that friends make when we are grieving the death of a loved one, trying to lose weight, or conquering an addiction. I will follow your journey & hope many others do the same.
H Hi Jo,
I always enjoy your segment on Sunrise.
My 5yr old daughter got a little mermaid outfit (halter neck shell top with a skirt ththat comes to the knees) and my husband is adamant that by me letting her wear
this dress up outfit without her wearing a t-shirt under it is sending her a message
that you can dress like that when she gets older. My husband is currently in the
Police Force, and it seems to me he’s view on the world seems tainted,
everything has a sinister meaning behind it. Like a 5yr old child playing dress up.
Is there any books or information out there somewhere that says this is normal
behaviour for children to dress up? I’m also really worried what affect my husbands views like this will impact our 5yr old?
I’m really pleased that the issue of the sexualisation of children is being discussed in your house. We need more parents like you and your husband. It’s not surprising that your husband is very wary. He’s probably seen the darker side of life. He is no doubt super-protective because of what he’s seen and heard. From what you’re describing, the Little Mermaid outfit sounds harmless enough – because she’s obviously wanting to play dress-ups which of course is very normal. Perhaps her dad would be comfortable with her wearing the outfit at home, but not in public. I’d encourage you to give your husband plenty of empathy for his concerns, and reassure him that your daughter’s safety and welfare are also your priority. Point out that you don’t agree with the sexualisation of kids, but gently point out that your daughter needs a normal childhood, which includes dressing up. Your husband will probably always be wary because of his profession, so your job is to balance this out with your own views.
Hi Jo, I just wanted to hear your opnion on carl jung’s typology, MBTI and David Keirsey’s temperament sorter.
Are these types real? And if so are they innate?
You personally seem like an NF to me although I am not sure which one. I think perhaps ENFJ maybe lol
I take that as a compliment – ENFJs sound like lovely people. In my practice, I use a fabulous book by Oldman & Morris called The New Personality Self-Portrait. It contains a self-administered test and the answers allow you to construct a personality profile. Mostly, people have a strong personality style and some other styles that also have a big influence on how they think, feel & behave. But whether you use MBTI, Jung’s typology or Oldman & Morris’ classification, I believe that personality types are the result of the combining influences of nature and nurture. Our genes are manipulated by the upbringing and the experiences we have throughout life. It can be useful to understand your own personality style and that of your partner’s in an attempt to develop insight and empathy.
Hi Jo,
I attended your family forum today and just wanted to say how much I enjoyed it! It was very beneficial and I left with a lot of valuable information. You are so educated, calm and a very positive person. With my strong passion for psychology and once I complete my university studies, I strive to be the type of person you are! Again, was a pleasure to be there today.
Melissa.
Thanks so much Melissa – that’s so kind. Good luck with uni. Psychology is a fabulous profession. I meet such inspiring people every day. Jo
HiHi Jo,
MMe again. I am happy report that I have now been sober for 70 days! However I had a moment where this was threatened and I could use some advice. I find myself recognising an anomoly in my relationship with my sister. It has made me question my relationship with her during my whole life and in questioning this, I am questioning myself.
My sister is actually my half-sister, Mum married twice. She is 20 years older than me so we have never really lived as siblings. Mum raised her alone until she was 7 (when she married my father) whereas I had both parents for my entire life.
My latest blog entry outlines where I find myself. If you can find time, can you help me towards my next best step?
Latest blog entry: http://givinupthegrog.blogspot.com/2011/04/wise-old-sayings.html
Regards
Lee Condon
Hi Lee,
Once again, can I congratulate you on how well you write & on being sober for 70 days! Your blog is so useful because it outlines the hurdles people face every day when they are trying to change their behaviour.
Obviously I don’t know your sister, but I’m sure she loves you very much. But sometimes close friends and family members have a strange reaction when we change. They get used to us being a certain way – overweight, drinking, or even being depressed. In fact, they come to depend on us being a certain way for the relationship to function. They often don’t know how to act when we change. That’s why they are often the first people to say: “You’ve lost too much weight”, “You’re not the same now you’re not drinking”, “Everyone is worried about you.” It’s hurtful and not supportive, but it comes from a place of uncertainty – Uncertainty about the relationship going forward.
I hope that makes some sense to you. Keep up the amazing work!
Jo
Hi jo i just wanted to know are all people really bisexual to some degree or is that
an outdated freudian idea and all it does is address the current misconception that
in order to be bisexual you must be attracted to both sexes equally, whereas it’s
likely that bisexuals are on a continuum and most have a preference for one sex or
the other and the amount of bisexuals who are equally attracted to both sexes are,
not non existent, just rarer
Hi Dave,
You have pointed out another reason why labels are so unhelpful. It’s far too simplistic to say that bisexuals are those who are equally attracted to both sexes. Nor do I believe that all people are bisexual to some degree. I think you put it very well when you say that bisexuals are on a continuum and most have a preference for one sex or the other.
Jo
hiHi Jo,
LLove your work on Sunrise.
I have a question in relation to my now 4 1/2 year old daughter.
Almost everyday since she has been able to talk (15 months) she tells me that she is sad, very sad. She cries a lot for everything (around 4-5 times a day), she is always moody & is an extremelly difficult stubborn child-everything is a fight.
From the day she was born she has been Mary contrary & been really hard to make happy & smile.
Last night during a hissy fit after being asked to have a shower she told me that she didn’t like her face & wanted a different one? Where is this coming from at this age?
Both my husband and I are easy going & quite positive people so we don’t know why she is like this.
My main question is, do we need to worry. I’m worried her brain will be hard wired into depression. Do we need to get help? it is really hard dealing with the misery everyday.
Regards,
alisha
I
T
Hi Alisha,
I can see why you’d be worried. No one likes to hear their child saying that they are sad and that they do not like themselves. I’m also wondering where this is coming from. Perhaps at a young age, she got lots of attention (understandably) for saying that she was sad; which reinforced the behaviour. Maybe she really is very sad and needing of a lot of attention. I’d encourage you to give her the attention she craves, while trying to help her to focus on the positive. What does she like doing? What makes her relax? When you do catch her smiling or relaxing, make lots of comments about how lovely it is to see her “relaxed,” rather than saying you’re pleased to see her happy or not crying.
When she makes a negative comment about herself, give her a bit of empathy by saying that everyone worries about their face or body from time to time, but as long as we are healthy, that’s all that matters. Try not to react too strongly at these types of comments, or once again, she might keep saying things to get a reaction. Try not to ever let her hear you say that you don’t like something about your own face or body.
If everything’s a fight, you might benefit from trying a few new strategies. Look out for Terri Apter’s excellent book called The Confident Child or have a look at Steve Biddulph’s The Secrets of Happy Children. These books suggest ways to phrase things to children in a way that gives them a choice, within reason.
Finally, it might be worth you and your husband having a chat to a child psychologist. You don’t need to take your daughter along just yet. It might just be good for you to get some strategies for the time being. But if the strategies don’t work, then you could take her along for a casual, age appropriate chat.
I really hope this helps.
Jo
Hi Jo,
I want to ask you a favour. I watch you and admire your skills and technique and compassion in your work. And I often read your website.
My name is Lee and I am 47. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 38, which let me tell you was both a relief and burden. I am also an alcoholic having made booze the mainstay of each day for the past 30 years.
However, at 8.30pm, Sunday 6th Feb 2011, I stopped drinking.
I am keeping an online diary of my daily experiences and challenges as I find if I write things down it helps me make sense of my thoughts, and also to gauge my moods and perspective of things.
Now I have always been fond of brainstorming sessions and feedback, and conduct these assessments regularly in my own mind. However, I do realise that given my condition, my perceptions can sometimes be distorted. So I have enlisted a small group of people I trust to support me in my quest for a better life.
The thing is all of these people have an emotional investment in my life…I would like an objective view from someone who is not enslaved by their own demons and emotional ties to me.
The favour I am asking is…could you please read my blog and tell me if I am heading in the right direction? I mean I am not doubting myself and my goals…I am just looking for reassurance.
Can you help me out with this?
The blog address is : http://givinupthegrog.blogspot.com/
Regards
Lee Condon
Hi Lee,
I have had a good look at your blog & am inspired by your honesty & strength. You obviously have incredible insight as your expectations are realistic – knowing that there will be good days and tough days. I particularly love your observations of how those around you are coping with your sobriety. I collect “clangers” = those comments that friends make when we are grieving the death of a loved one, trying to lose weight, or conquering an addiction. I will follow your journey & hope many others do the same.
Jo