Q&A

Hi Sue,

It must be hard to watch your daughter battling her understandable nervousness about competing. As you said, a few strategies wouldn’t go astray. I’m sure you’re doing most of this, but I would encourage you to firstly tell her that anxiety before big competitions is perfectly normal. In fact, she needs a bit of anxiety to perform at her peak – but obviously not too much so that it’s debilitating. It’s so important that you validate and normalise her feelings first, rather than telling her that she shouldn’t be feeling nervous since she’s so capable etc etc. Once you’ve told her how normal it is to feel nervous, ask her where she feels her anxiety. Is it in her stomach? Does she feel sick or dizzy? Does she have butterflies in her tummy? Does she feel shaky? Is her heart racing? In other words, you want her to focus on her body – rather than what’s going on in her head. Once she has been able to tell you what’s going on in her body, help her to focus on her breathing so that she breathes slowly in through her nose and out through her mouth using her diaphragm, not her chest. Try to do some slow breathing with her in the car on the way to the competitions (and even before you leave home). When she has been concentrating on her breathing for a few minutes, get her to check in with her body again. Has the sickness decreased? Have the butterflies settled a bit? Reassure her that by slowing down her breathing, she is telling her brain and body that everything is okay. Although she shouldn’t aim to be perfectly calm (& that wouldn’t allow her to perform at her best anyway), she will be a lot calmer if she gets out of her head (which is filling with self-doubt) and concentrates instead on breathing nicely. Then she should find it easier to enjoy the sport she obviously loves.

Hope that helps,

Jo

Hi Cathy,

It must be frustrating for you and particularly difficult for your daughter to regularly have these accidents. No doubt you have discussed this with your GP and I’m obviously not a doctor, but it’s important that she learns how to empty her bladder properly and that she knows that she needs to go to the toilet 5-7 times a day. It might sound counter-intuitive, but if you increase the amount of water she’s drinking, she might find it easier to go regularly eg when she gets up, before she leaves home, at the beginning of recess and lunch and as soon as she gets home from school. Then I’d draw up a chart for her, so that she can place a tick beside the days when she went at these set times (& other times if she needs to go) and doesn’t have an accident. In other words, she’s not too old for a good old-fashioned star chart – as long as you also educate her about how often she needs to go and how important it is to sit there long enough to empty her bladder. And as they say, if the problem persists, it would be a good idea to chat to the doctor again.

Hope that helps,

Jo

I take that as a compliment – ENFJs sound like lovely people. In my practice, I use a fabulous book by Oldman & Morris called The New Personality Self-Portrait. It contains a self-administered test and the answers allow you to construct a personality profile. Mostly, people have a strong personality style and some other styles that also have a big influence on how they think, feel & behave. But whether you use MBTI, Jung’s typology or Oldman & Morris’ classification, I believe that personality types are the result of the combining influences of nature and nurture. Our genes are manipulated by the upbringing and the experiences we have throughout life. It can be useful to understand your own personality style and that of your partner’s in an attempt to develop insight and empathy.

Hi Lee,

Once again, can I congratulate you on how well you write & on being sober for 70 days! Your blog is so useful because it outlines the hurdles people face every day when they are trying to change their behaviour.

Obviously I don’t know your sister, but I’m sure she loves you very much. But sometimes close friends and family members have a strange reaction when we change. They get used to us being a certain way – overweight, drinking, or even being depressed. In fact, they come to depend on us being a certain way for the relationship to function. They often don’t know how to act when we change. That’s why they are often the first people to say: “You’ve lost too much weight”, “You’re not the same now you’re not drinking”, “Everyone is worried about you.” It’s hurtful and not supportive, but it comes from a place of uncertainty – Uncertainty about the relationship going forward.

I hope that makes some sense to you. Keep up the amazing work!

Jo

Hi Alisha,

I can see why you’d be worried. No one likes to hear their child saying that they are sad and that they do not like themselves. I’m also wondering where this is coming from. Perhaps at a young age, she got lots of attention (understandably) for saying that she was sad; which reinforced the behaviour. Maybe she really is very sad and needing of a lot of attention. I’d encourage you to give her the attention she craves, while trying to help her to focus on the positive. What does she like doing? What makes her relax? When you do catch her smiling or relaxing, make lots of comments about how lovely it is to see her “relaxed,” rather than saying you’re pleased to see her happy or not crying.

When she makes a negative comment about herself, give her a bit of empathy by saying that everyone worries about their face or body from time to time, but as long as we are healthy, that’s all that matters. Try not to react too strongly at these types of comments, or once again, she might keep saying things to get a reaction. Try not to ever let her hear you say that you don’t like something about your own face or body.

If everything’s a fight, you might benefit from trying a few new strategies. Look out for Terri Apter’s excellent book called The Confident Child or have a look at Steve Biddulph’s The Secrets of Happy Children. These books suggest ways to phrase things to children in a way that gives them a choice, within reason.

Finally, it might be worth you and your husband having a chat to a child psychologist. You don’t need to take your daughter along just yet. It might just be good for you to get some strategies for the time being. But if the strategies don’t work, then you could take her along for a casual, age appropriate chat.

I really hope this helps.

Jo