How often do you hear yourself thinking: I would never do that …? Many people use this line of thinking as their barometer – their way of measuring whether something is acceptable or not. Over the last 24 hours, Chrissie Swan has been vilified for smoking while pregnant. Obviously it’s a dangerous behaviour and understandably people who don’t smoke or who don’t smoke while pregnant find it hard to understand why she did. And herein lies the problem, we judge others by our own behaviour. I gave up smoking as soon as I realised I was pregnant, read many tweets – suggesting that if they can do it, so can everyone else.

I hear it all the time – people struggling to understand depression, anxiety, obesity, substance abuse, and violence because they would never do that (lie in bed all day, worry about having cancer, overeating, drinking 2 bottles of wine a night, taking drugs, or getting into a fight). And it’s one thing to find it hard to relate to such problems, but by judging others we bypass any chance of empathy and support.

Changing behaviour involves far more than simply making better choices. We need a plan and tonnes of support. We need understanding when we have set backs and encouragement to try again. If you can’t understand another person’s behaviour, you may be lucky enough not to have felt shame or guilt. But most of us can tap into our empathy stores and think: Chrissie – Although I have not smoked while pregnant, I too have made mistakes and I wish you all the luck in kicking the habit.

If you believe everything you read, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the key to positive change is helpful thinking. But the truth is, most of us tend to rely too much on our thoughts to keep motivated, to escape a bad relationship, or to kick a bad habit. We try to think our way into getting fit, losing weight, quitting smoking, or efficiently studying and working. In reality, we often need to act our way into change. That is, we need to look at our behaviours  just as much as our thoughts.

Let’s look at some examples:

• Exercise – How often have you committed to exercising tomorrow or next week? You might go to bed determined to get up and go for a walk. You truly believe that you will exercise. What happens? The alarm goes off and you ask yourself: Do I feel like going for a walk? No …. maybe tomorrow. Thinking about exercising does not increase your motivation to exercise. Exercising increases your motivation to exercise. And to increase your chance of exercising, you need to make it easy – set realistic goals, get dressed into gym gear as soon as you wake up or straight after work, and make it affordable and easy to get to.

• Reducing dependence on alcohol and cigarettes – Once again, telling yourself that you will give up smoking on New Year’s Day or that you will not drink during the week (starting next Monday) is not enough. You need to set things up so that it is easier to actually make the behavioural changes. You need a plan that involves knowing what you’re going to do when the cravings hit, what you’re going to drink instead of alcohol, and what activities will help you stay away from alcohol or cigarettes.

• Getting over a broken heart – It’s so easy to ruminate when your heart is broken. Everything that happened during the break-up is analysed to death. But after a period of time, these thoughts will keep us stuck. Talking incessantly to our friends and family about the relationship will keep us stuck. And staying in contact with your ex (unless you have children together) will keep you stuck. To get over a broken heart, you need to stop all contact if possible, ask your friends not to give you any information about your ex, and try very hard to stay busy and meet new people by accepting any invitation that comes your way. You may not feel better for quite a while, but the pain will slowly decrease if  you stop trying to think your way out of it.

• General procrastination – It’s nearly impossible to think your way out of procrastination. If you are putting off a task or a list of jobs, the only way to get the motivation to complete the task is to start something – anything. Start with the easiest thing or the quickest or the one that is relatively more enjoyable. Motivation usually kicks in half way through.

When someone is struggling, their friends gather round offering their loving support. But sometimes this support comes with a list of well meaning but unhelpful sayings that can leave the sufferer feeling irritated, confused, or in the worst case scenario – guilty for feeling bad in the first place. If the person in pain vocalises these sentiments, then by all means agree if you want to, but never be the one who utters them first.

Typical unhelpful sayings:

• Everything happens for a reason – Does it really? How can a parent who has lost a child possibly see that their child’s death fits into the grander scheme of things?
• There are always people worse off – No doubt. We may feel less alone knowing that others are suffering, but suggesting that pain is always relative just creates more pain in the way of guilt.
• Look for the silver lining – There are often positives that come out of difficult situations, but we need time before we experience them.
• You don’t deserve what’s happened to you – It shouldn’t be a question of who deserves pain and who doesn’t.
• I know exactly how you feel – Do you?

Instead of risking further heartache, show your love and support by being a wonderful listener. Validate how they’re feeling by simply nodding and encouraging them to keep talking. Frequently check in with them and ask them what they need. You will in turn feel a lot better knowing that you have helped and not hindered their recovery.

How well do you know yourself? How realistic is your thinking? Do you really need to be preparing for the worst? Is your memory serving you correctly? There are so many times when we could all do with a quick reality check to get us back on track.

• Anticipation anxiety is precisely what the name suggests – anxiety about something that hasn’t happened. Most of the time, the thing we dread doesn’t happen, which is a huge relief but often a reality check will stop anticipation anxiety in its tracks before it takes hold.

• Grieving over a dysfunctional relationship. No one likes to be rejected, but try not to make the mistake on looking at a failed relationship through rose coloured glasses. Time has this habit of wiping out the bad times and only leaving memories of the good times. Ask your friends how truly happy you were back then.

• How much do you drink/eat/smoke/spend? Most of us live in some denial about our bad habits. If you want to improve your health, try keeping a record of your worrying behaviour. Awareness is the first step to change.

• How much time do you spend on facebook/twitter/tumbler? To increase efficiency, keep a log of the time you spend online over the course of one day.

• How often do you apologise? Most people tell me that their partner is not good at apologising whereas they themselves are quick to accept responsibility for their mistakes. The trouble is, your partner may well be thinking the same thing.  A light-hearted tally of the number of times you each say sorry should get those apologies flowing.

• And probably the greatest need for a reality check is when we catastrophise. How likely is it that your world will come to an end if you do fail? Will your friend really that be that offended if you say No? Will being late be so disastrous? Have you lost perspective over what’s really important? Time to check the evidence before you conclude that you have a catastrophe on your hands.