We laugh a lot in counselling sessions. Despite the intensity of the discussions, there is nearly always something to laugh at. We laugh at the trivial things that trigger such strong reactions. We laugh at how unrealistic expectations can be. And from a distance, we sometimes laugh at situations that caused incredible angst. I don’t laugh to belittle the person or to minimise the problem. And I don’t laugh at people’s emotional or physical pain. But I encourage laughter to provide a much needed circuit breaker. When we are weighed down with heartache, we can feel trapped – with no way out. A good belly laugh or even a little chuckle can lift the weight slightly so that other perspectives can be explored.

Laughter is particularly important in relationships. Couples and families really notice its absence. While I would never encourage teasing or bullying, lightening up conversations in the home can often fast track resolutions. I am forever suggesting to people that they approach a problem light-heartedly. Children and adolescents are more likely to respond to a request that is tinged with humour than they are to one that is laced with anger. Couples can often avoid an argument by focusing on the funny side of repeated offences such as forgetting what was said five minutes earlier or forever blaming bad traffic for running late.

Embarrassment can be reduced by seeing the lighter side of some situations. Resentment can drop away when people smile at the fact that whatever is driving them crazy about their partner is often the very thing that attracted them in the first place. And even the pain of rejection can be decreased over time by laughing at some of the ways in which we try so hard to be liked.

If you’re not getting anywhere when it comes to resolving an issue with a partner, friend or child, see if you can lighten things up and see what magic follows.

Most of us do it. We automatically become defensive at the slightest hint of criticism. We cannot bear to leave an accusation hanging in the air, no matter how trivial that accusation may be. We falsely believe that by defending ourselves, we are being strong and assertive. But the opposite may in fact be true. Defensiveness weakens confidence and damages relationships.

Truly confident people don’t defend themselves. They don’t feel the need to ram their ideas down your throat. They are happy for you to have your opinions. They are quietly confident. They are not easily offended and so don’t feel the need to be defensive. We can learn a lot from truly confident people.

Defensive people on the other hand are easily offended. They take things personally. They feel the need to correct you and can project a false air of confidence. But behind that facade is a lack of confidence and low self-esteem. Being in a relationship with someone who is very defensive is hard work. Defensiveness stifles empathy and creates tension.

To increase your confidence and improve your relationships, try reducing your defensiveness by:

• hearing your partner’s complaints and validating their feelings
• allowing some things to go through to the keeper
• letting others have their opinions
• resisting the urge to correct false accusations
• blocking cyberbullies
• accepting that not everyone will agree with what you say

Most of us have been confused by mixed messages at some point in our lives. Most commonly, mixed messages can be sent out in the early days of a relationship or around the time of a break-up. But while we all know how confusing it is to be on the receiving end, many people are oblivious to the fact that they’re sending out mixed signals themselves. Common examples of mixed messages include:

• Any kind of drunken text
• Post break-up sex
• On and off relationships
• Flirting outrageously with someone in whom you have no interest
• Saying you’re not ready for a relationship, but continuing to date
• Saying that you’re not interested in someone, but finishing texts and emails with xx
• Saying that you are ready to commit, but baulking at any talk of the future
• Suggesting getting together to discuss breaking up (again)
• Suggesting a catch-up one month after breaking off the relationship
• Inviting someone to a special occasion after having rejected the idea of a relationship with them

Sometimes mixed messages allow us to stay in denial because we don’t want to face the truth. But they can really stop people moving on with their lives, so think before you send that text or issue that invitation.

I had an email this week from someone wanting to know the dos and don’ts of talking about people behind their backs. Obviously there are times when we speak of others to our friends, family and workmates. On many occasions, the talk will be positive and the subject of the discussion would be thrilled to overhear the conversation. But most of us are guilty of bringing up another person’s business, simply because it makes for interesting conversation. I remember losing a close friendship when he quite rightly took offense at me discussing a mutual friend’s  business. I have learned the hard way that gossip hurts.

So is it ever okay to gossip? Talking about someone behind their back is probably okay if:

• You would say the same thing if the person was present
• You have been asked to spread some news to spare the person from doing it themselves (in the case of a break-up, death in the family, redundancy, health diagnosis etc)
• You are terribly concerned about a person’s welfare, and you want to check with mutual friends or family that your concern is warranted
• You’re organising a surprise or a rescue package

It’s not okay to gossip if:

• The person concerned would be mortified to know that they were being discussed in this way
• You are breaking someone’s trust
• You are being unprofessional

It should come as no surprise that many people have relationship difficulties with their in-laws. Why should the families of the two people who have decided to spend their life together necessarily get on? Sometimes, it seems that all you have in common is the couple themselves. Although there are many extended families who get on famously, some people really struggle with their partner’s parents or siblings.

Here’s an excerpt from a recent email:  I have a mother-in-law whom I find competitive, controlling and a poor communicator. I am over-sensitive around her and it causes many arguments in my relationship. I love how the author of this email owned her problem (“whom I find competitive, etc…. I am over-sensitive etc”). It’s a great start to be able to acknowledge your own role in any issue.

Once we accept that problems with in-laws are understandable, there are some strategies that can make the relationships run a little more smoothly:

• Have empathy for your in-laws – If your mother-in-law is competitive and controlling, perhaps she is struggling with another woman being her son’s priority. Maybe she had trouble with her own mother-in-law and so does not know how to deal with the current situation. Or perhaps she is unhappy or unfulfilled or lonely and wants to feel needed.
• Find some common ground that is not your partner – If you take the time, you will usually find something you both have in common. A love of reading, TED talks, movies, teapots, dogs, cooking, poetry – anything that you can safely discuss without any argument.
• Encourage your partner to spend time with his or her family – Most families love the chance to have some time without any of the partners. Childhood memories can be shared, in-jokes are left unexplained, and best behaviour can be made a lower priority. Parents can respond particularly well with time spent with their treasured adult son or daughter.
• Don’t stretch the friendship with too much babysitting – Many couples rely on grandparents for a lot of the child minding. The more you use your mother-in-law for babysitting, the more input/advice you should expect from her when it comes to raising your children. It would be very hard for any grandparent to spend a lot of time with their grandchildren and not have views on how they are being brought up. If the grandparents do babysit a lot, make sure they also spend time with your family when they are simply guests in your house.
• Ask for advice – Even if you don’t agree with what’s said, relationships with in-laws can be vastly improved if you regularly ask for their opinions.
• Don’t make your partner the meat in the sandwich – It can be hard to hold your tongue at times, but constantly running your in-law down to your partner will only cause problems between you. Vent to your friends instead and remember that your in-laws must have done something right – they raised your partner!

Do you like who you’ve become since you and your partner have been together?

Do you partially credit your partner for helping you become nicer, more tolerant, calmer, more courageous and adventurous, less chaotic, more creative, more confident, or simply a better person?

In strong relationships, we bring out the best in each other. Tolerance and encouragement far outweigh criticism and contempt. There is no need for envy and competition when you want your partner to be the best person he or she can be.

If you don’t like who you’ve become since being together, then it’s time to analyse why. If you have become angrier, jealous, less confident, controlling, or critical, then you may not be in a healthy relationship. But before you do anything drastic, check to see if you’re both doing all you can to bring out the best in each other.

To bring out the best in your partner:

• Show them that they are unconditionally loved
• Accept their weaknesses
• Support their dreams
• Encourage their attempts to change
• Give honest feedback
• Pick your fights
• Treat them better than you do others
• Keep their secrets