Consider all options

Humans, like animals don’t cope well with feeling trapped. We can feel trapped in a bad relationship, in a job we hate, or in a debt cycle. Like animals, when we feel trapped, we freeze – we feel paralysed and can’t see the way out. That paralysis is often due to the fact that there is no perfect solution. You can’t end a relationship without there being some pain. There will always be consequences when changing jobs. Getting out of debt is not easy.

To stop feeling trapped, you need to consider all options – no matter how stupid some of them seem. A good old fashioned brain storming session is what’s needed. That’s when you write down absolutely every idea that comes into your head. Don’t weigh up the options until you have considered everything. Once you see there is more than one choice, the feeling of being trapped decreases.

The next step is accepting that there is no perfect solution. This acceptance makes some of the options more appealing. And to find the best option? There’s nothing wrong with writing down the pros and cons. Bearing in mind that there will always be cons, assess which option has the most beneficial pros and the least damaging cons.

Easier said than done? No. Start considering all options and decision making becomes much easier.

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Body image issues start at home

There has been a lot of coverage about the detrimental effects of unrealistic images in the media on our young girls and boys. And while I agree wholeheartedly that more needs to be done to stop airbrushing and to provide warnings about false advertising, a lot of our children’s body image problems come from us – their parents.

Every time we complain about our own thighs, butts or tummies, they are listening and taking it all in. When we start a new “diet” they soak up the fact that weight loss diets are a necessary part of life. If we announce gleefully that we’ve lost a few kilos, they learn that losing weight is cause for celebration. If we don’t want our sons and daughters to have body image issues, it’s essential that we don’t complain about our own bodies and we don’t publicise the success of a quick fix diet. The sole focus has to be on leading a healthy lifestyle.

Not only is it important that we refrain from sharing our own hangups, we also need to curb any comments about their bodies. It goes without saying that we should never tell a child or an adolescent that they’re fat. But a lot of damage can also be done when we compliment them for being nice and slim. Telling a young girl that she is stunning, with a fabulous flat stomach and long legs sounds like it’s positive. But all that girl hears is that looks are everything. Remarking that your child is so lucky that he or she can eat as much as they want and not get fat teaches them that it doesn’t matter what you eat, as long as you don’t put on weight.

Kids, like adults come in all shapes and sizes. Our job is to keep our children healthy and do our very best not to foster distorted body images by keeping our mouths shut.

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Why are we so fascinated by the TomKat divorce?

Not since Tom divorced Nicole have I been asked so much about a celebrity split. This time of course, it’s Tom and Katie. We were somewhat shocked by the former, but not by the latter. We expect Hollywood couples to struggle as a result of living in the spotlight. Are we secretly pleased that they struggle? Do we sometimes compare our own lives and relationships to those of celebrities and feel just a little superior?

Their relationship and its demise has all the markings of a movie script and everyone has a theory on what went wrong, including me. But we need to remember that there are real people involved here – including a very young girl. Just because we have seen a lot of the couple over the past 5-6 years doesn’t mean that we know what went on behind closed doors.

I believe that a lot of us are fascinated by TomKat because despite having it all, they struggle like the rest of us. Money doesn’t protect you from heartache. You can be famous and beautiful and still left wondering what went wrong. We all make mistakes. So perhaps our fascination really boils down to the simple realisation that we are all human.

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What if?

If there’s one question that paralyses more than any other, it’s: What if ………. ? What if I hadn’t gone back to turn off the heater? What if I’d slept in 5 more minutes? What if I had arrived half an hour later? What if you hadn’t rung me when you did? What if that traffic light had been green? What if… What if…. What if….?

I remember when my son was 6 years old and he had thrown a ball into the kitchen and had missed my favourite vase by a whisker. I squealed and said: You nearly smashed my special vase. He shot back: But I didn’t hit it. If we are going to talk about everything I nearly did, it will take all day. Not only was I amused by his innocent way of thinking, but I committed it to memory. What a fabulous way to look at life – to not dwell on what very nearly happened, but to celebrate what did.

Of course, there are tragic circumstances that could have been prevented if just one part of the sequence of events was different. But such thinking is torturous. If an accident has occurred, ruminating about how easily it could have been avoided will make it harder to accept. We will never be able to answer the question: what if?, so there’s absolutely no point in asking it. Easier said than done, but necessary if you don’t want to remain stuck.

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Encouraging children to have opinions

Children who are encouraged to have opinions from an early age are given a distinct advantage over those who are not. As an adult, being able to express your views and stand up for yourself is rewarded. While we don’t want our kids to question every decision we make, it’s good to listen to their opinions and be open to changing our minds if a good enough argument is presented.

Family meal times provide the perfect opportunity to encourage opinions. When family members disagree, all the better. Differing opinions allows you to emphasise the importance of listening and expressing your views in a calm and non-judgmental way.

We all know that setting boundaries is beneficial for children and especially adolescents. But allowing the boundaries to be re-assessed on the back of a decent argument teaches the child that not only are you approachable, but you are reasonable as well. Then, when you don’t budge on issues such as safety and important family values, they can appreciate the strength of your opinions.

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Validation

We all crave validation. We want the important people in our lives to acknowledge how we feel, whether or not they feel the same way. When we don’t feel validated, we don’t feel understood and rightly or wrongly, we can feel less loved. The problem is, our partners, parents, and friends often don’t realise that they are failing to give us validation. And we, on the other hand will be failing to validate others. Let’s look at some common scenarios:

1. You call your partner because you can’t work out how to download some photos.

You: I hate computers! I don’t have time for this. Why won’t it work?

Your partner: Calm down. Just leave it and I’ll do it when I come home.

Your well-meaning partner thinks that he’s being helpful, but you just feel like you’re getting stressed over nothing and you shouldn’t have bothered him. If he were to give you some validation it would sound like this:

Your partner: How frustrating is it when it won’t work, especially when you’re in a hurry? Do you want to leave it until I get home?

2. Your child is clearly upset because they were not invited to a friend’s party.

Responding without validation: Don’t worry. They were probably only allowed to invite a small number of friends.

Responding with validation: It’s upsetting when that happens isn’t it? But maybe they were only allowed to invite a small number of kids.

3. Your friend gets really worked up about poor service in a cafe.

Friend: Why can’t they bring me what I asked for? It makes me so mad. All I wanted was a hot coffee. How hard can that be?

Responding without validation: Just ask them to bring you another one. Or I’ll ask if you’d rather.

Responding with validation: It’s so annoying isn’t it? Do you want to ask for another one?

The difference is subtle, but the effect of validating what our loved ones say or do can be massive.

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Yes but…..

I try to practice tolerance. Yet I really struggle with one particular phrase: “Yes, but…” It’s a phrase I hear twenty times a day. It will always be the first words out of my children’s mouths whenever I offer my pearls of wisdom on an issue they are having. My clients are often saying: “Yes, but….” whenever a new strategy is discussed. My partner knows how much I bristle at the words and so he has cleverly adopted a new phrase: “Yes, maybe…..” There is no doubt that I am also guilty of questioning any piece of advice I’m given by a friend or family member.

So why do we all do it? Sometimes we use the phrase to indicate that we don’t want any advice at all. We just want to vent and be listened to. If that’s the case, we would do better to just say that. But it’s also a reflex. No advice will ever fit our situation precisely and we all want the perfect solution to our issues. So when we hear a suggestion, we have an overwhelming urge to clarify things. Yes, but I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work; Yes, but what if he just ignores me?; Yes, but you just don’t know how this person operates; Yes, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do what you’re suggesting.

Try to notice how many times you say: “Yes, but …” in a day. Who are you more likely to say it to? What reaction does the phrase spark? Can you sense the other person’s frustration? Now notice what happens if you bite your tongue before the phrase comes out. Pause after hearing some advice. Consider what is being said. You’ll probably end up taking on board some of the advice and rejecting the rest. But you’ll be doing your relationships a favour because your friends, family members, and colleagues will feel as if you’re really listening.

 

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The dangers of excessive praise

Yesterday, Professor Helen McGrath from RMIT was quoted as saying that lavishing children with praise can create a very high self-esteem which in turn can lead to bullying behaviour. Professor McGrath’s comments make sense. A child who is constantly told that they are fabulous, that they are better that anyone else and that they can do absolutely anything they put their mind to will have an inflated view of themselves. Such excessive praise can create narcissistic traits and narcissists are often bullies who totally lack empathy.

A recent study also highlighted another danger of excessive praise. Researchers in the US showed that children who were allowed to work through a maths problem without any praise until the solution was found, were more proficient at problem solving than their peers who were encouraged and praised throughout the process.

But many parents are confused. Aren’t we supposed to be helping our children to feel good about themselves? Are we meant to be praising them and telling them that they’re fabulous? What is excessive praise? The simplest way to think of praise is that it is a method of positive reinforcement and so we should use praise to positively reinforce the behaviours we want to see. To that end let’s:

  • Praise them for working things out for themselves
  • Praise them for showing compassion towards another person
  • Praise them for being empathic
  • Praise them for effort
  • Praise them for achievement that came from that effort
  • Praise them for coming through a tough time

But of course, we must always let them know that they are loved, whether or not their behaviour was worthy of praise.

 

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Kids helping kids

I have just heard about a fabulous new initiative that is being launched this weekend. It’s called Kids in Philanthropy and it’s aim is to get kids helping other kids. It’s the brainchild of Dr Catriona Wallace (and her two children), who quite rightly says that teaching our children how to be compassionate and altruistic is the greatest lesson we can give them.

The aim of the fund is to create opportunities for children to fundraise and develop programs for children in the poorer suburbs of Sydney and Melbourne. They hope the initiative spreads nationally. The group’s first project is a Technology and Learning Program for 8-12 year olds in Fairfield, Sydney. Children who may not have had access to technology, music, art and sporting programs will get the chance to have those experiences.

Most parents complain that their children are spoiled and materialistic. Many parents look for ways to show their children that they are more fortunate than others. Kids in Philanthropy is a way for children to not only appreciate what they have, but more importantly, to learn to give to the less fortunate. And as a lot of research has highlighted, altruism and compassion are the keys to happiness.

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Feeling frustrated or disappointed? Check your expectations

It may sound far too simplistic, but most of our frustrations and disappointments come from unrealistic expectations. If someone or something doesn’t meet our expectations, we are disappointed.  If that person or situation continues to disappoint or frustrate you, then it’s time to adjust your expectations. Most of the time, we can predict how a loved one or workmate will behave, so we shouldn’t be surprised. Yet, we often fail to lower our expectations.

Couples are often telling me how frustrating they find their partner’s behaviour. Yet when we talk about the past, the very personality trait that attracted them in the first place is the one that drives them crazy now.

The ambitious 30 year old is now frustrating because they are a “workaholic”

The once gentle man is frustrating because he is not masculine enough

The 25 year old woman who was so capable is now seen as a control freak

Accepting our partner’s faults is one way to adjust our expectations. Another fertile area for frustration is in the workplace. How many meetings have left you feeling totally exasperated? Do you have a colleague whose behaviour constantly pushes all your buttons? Most of us are frustrated or disappointed by the same people every day or the same situations each time they happen. Going to work is so much easier if you quickly check your expectations at the start of each day or at least before you meet with a difficult colleague.

Once you have thought realistically about a person or a situation, your levels of frustration and disappointment should drop. If they don’t, then you’ve reached that point where you need to make a decision about whether or not to stay.

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